My whole life, I go into a house for the first time and I feel them descending upon me. It makes sense though.

Someone comes to your house, of course you get up from what you’re doing and the whole household goes to greet the guests. You welcome them, say hello, take their coat, offer a snack, and “please, have a seat”.

The spirits/ghosts/energies would descend on me.

If you perceive the intruder as a threat, well then you’re at the front door “what are you doing here?”, “what do you want?”, “get out”, “I’m calling the cops”. Spirits/Ghosts/Whatever the energy is, they do that to me. They do it to you too, by the way. You just probably don’t notice it, or you’re better at lying to yourself than I am. God, to be you. Can we please trade places?

When I was a child I was terrified of going to other people’s houses. The spirits/ghosts/energies would descend on me. Again, they descend on everyone but I felt them and I’m certain that they knew it. I was scared and didn’t want to go but as a child my parents weren’t giving me a vote or listening to my nonsense about being scared, so I quickly gave up protesting. Instead I had to suffer tremendous anxiety, fear, and panic attacks silently in these houses while my mother told me to be quiet and to sit down.

I was always wandering off and she would get so mad. I was just trying to get away from the spirits, but I couldn’t tell her that or I’d get punished. She often humiliated me in front of others by punishing me and verbally abusing me, but that’s a whole other blog post.

I was just trying to get away from the spirits.

I remember one house we were at, which belonged to a relative of a family friend, where I was suffocating from the spirit. Of course, remember that I had no idea why I was feeling all of these things back then. I just knew I felt upset and scared and had no way of getting relief. I was fine if we were outside, but inside was horrible. There were houses where this didn’t happen, but they were the minority.

So I’m at this particular house and I wandered off to get some relief. I was 4 or 5. Maybe 6. I remember finding a window in a hallway and staring out of it at the garden. I wrapped my hands as tightly as I could around the cool radiator in front of the window. I squeezed the coils tightly and held on like it was a life raft. I stared into the garden and disassociated from my body. Physically I was still in that house where the spirits and my fear was. But in my mind, I was outside in the sunny, pretty garden where I felt safe. Didn’t last long though.

My mother found me and pulled me away. Yelled at me for wandering off. I begged to leave and she told me “in a minute” which was her way of saying in a “half hour or more” and made me go back to sit down like a good girl and bury my feelings of fear and anxiety inside.

This forced the development of a damaging trait of ignoring and burying my feelings while projecting an outer appearance of the calm good girl, which bled into all areas of my life as I grew up. Not only did I hide my spiritual/paranormal fears behind an exterior of calm, but I also learned that survival in this life meant burying any emotion that others deemed undesirable. This lead to an abundance of toxic relationships, an abusive romantic relationship, 

I wish I knew then that all I had to do was flick the switch and it would all go away. Subscribe so you don’t miss my next post about how to protect yourself from ghosts.


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